Hehehe... yea... this blog is so cool... its Jie's idea that I start my own blog since I prefer writing to talking... yes... I think I really like this idea. So from now on I'll be blogging alot about my life and my tots.
Its so cool....
Yes... its Mother's Day... but I wonder if its happy (or not) mother's day... I don't know... guess I'm just emo. I miss my mum so damn much... esp today... when I see people celebrating mother's day... I can't help but wonder how's mummy doing... is she HAPPY? I want to call her but I know I wouldn't be able to hold my tears back and so I didn't call her. I only sent her a sms... but she didn't even reply me. So sad. I want to celebrate with her! I broke down so many times today each time thinking about mummy. It hurts... it really hurts. I wan my mummy. I don't like my life... because it hurts too much... first its losing Jie... then now mummy left me... what's next? I know I'm loved by God... yea... I'm thankful to God. But still I need my mummy... mummy why don't you come back to me? I've changed so much... and I wouldn't give you problem like I used to.... mummy.... pls.... I just want you.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
*I got a cut.... ouch.....*
Had a quarrel with daddy... and he wanted to beat me... Crap! Then I ran into my room and shut the door... but then before I shut the door I scratched my hand on the door... and got a 2cm cut on my hand! Sobz. Thank God the cut is not deep... although its swollen. :x
Situations like that just makes me think about mummy... I really miss her sooooooooooooo much. But I know I just need to be strong... and move on with my life no matter how much I'm missing the people close to my heart. Just be thankful for whatever else that I do have. Being contented is so important!
Have been playing with html the last few days and haven't studied. Haha. But its good to be able to choose what you want to do ... either chiong maths or play with computer stuffs. heehee. Will probably wait till weekends b4 I study again cos weekdays are really quite tiring... so probably learning computer stuffs would excite me alittle more. hehe.
Monday, May 5, 2008
*Photo slide not showing up...*
Haiz... I realised that the photo slide is giving me problem. I think its not loading properly... and I don't know why... sigh sigh. Later then I check it out. If not, then I'll have to remove it liao. I'm feeling tired and alittle dizzy now. Feel like puking. :( The weather is so hot... so irritating ley. Guess I ain't going to study much today since I'm so tired and unwell... will try to rest early (if I can manage to sleep in this hot weather!)
*4 in 1*
haha... welcome to my 4 in 1 post...
1) WOAH.... see the difference in my blog?! I just got a slide of HK disneyland onto my blog! LoL. I'm having fun trying out photoslides / videos... and I tot this slide looks cool. I'm still figuring around with html and other stuffs... so don't be surprised if you keep seeing my blog change. haha. I really really like the slide! LoL. I wonder what will be my next discovery... haha. First it was Twitter - the posts that you can send via sms and it appears on your blog! Next it's this photoslide that just amazes me.
2) ok... I just got my question answered... a question that's on my head for the whole day... and that's because I asked. haha. Thks to the person who bothered to answer my question even thou it was past mid nite. haha.
3) I have failed to finish my studying. haha... was it tiredness or was it lack of discipline? I still think I did try my best. So it's kinda ok with me. I'm left with half a chapter of science and 3/4 chapter of maths. Do you think I can complete the maths by tomorrow? Haha.
4) Well... the last thing I wana blog about b4 I enter zzz land... I'll be staying at daddy's place... Uncle Keat spoke to daddy about it... and since daddy just wanted to rent out the room to get additional rental... so uncle Keat decided to top up the rental (ie, the different btw room rental and the amt I give daddy each mth). So I'm staying with daddy by renting the room from him. I feel its so rubbish... but I don't have a choice. Thks to uncle keat once again! What would I do without him. haha. Sometimes they just break my heart but I'll still try to appreciate them the best I can because I know that they mean alot to me.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
*Scary or not....*
Ok... i declare FF as 'not as scary' today. LoL. I mean its still scary... just alittle less. hahaha. Oh well, today was my first time praying with someone... as in the first time I pray out loud. I'm glad I'm learning to pray... cos if I don't... then I'll continue to be super scared of prayer time because I don't dare to pray. Today's class was alittle different cos Dawn isn't around... when I realised it... I was scared... :P but soon I wasn't cos I realised the class was still quite responsive today so there wasn't a need to call names to answer questions. hahaha... cool. I went dinner with Annabel and Angeline and the other kias!
I've completed another chapter of maths and a tiny bit of science. It means I'm left with another chapter of maths and about half a chapter of science left for tml. Gosh... I don't think I'm gona finish it siah. But good enough lah, I should finish the whole sec 1 maths syllabus within 1 mth. With alittle more practise, then I should be ready to move onto Sec 2 maths by mid May. Wonder how long I'll take to finish Sec 2 maths since it would be tougher. Hmmm....
Thursday, May 1, 2008
*Plans don't actually take place!*
Guess what... 1 day went by... and nothing happened as planned... I didn't stay at Jimmy kor's place nor ah gong's place... and i didn't study much today! LoL. I'm back to the 'I wana be alone' days... I do miss my jie... and I believe she is the only person I wana be with now. I know I can't... and I know I can't keep thinking about it. :p
I spent my day admiring the photos for my trip and planned how I could do some touch up for the photos. haha. I spent about half of my day figuring what I can possible do with Windows Movie Maker.... haha... I enjoyed it. Haven't quite come out with anything but am just exploring. Haha. Okok... I shall attempt to study for 1 hr b4 I call it another day. I guess I'll be busy studying in the weekends if I still want to complete my studying schedule as planned - 2 chapters of maths and 1 chapter of science. Argghhh.... feels like alot ley... cos I'm left with the tougher topics for maths. haha... let's give it a try. :p
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
*Daily Manna...*
This is the first time I pause on FF blog and read the daily manna... haha... i knew it was there but I didn't really take time to read before. Found what I read today quite interesting... and a reminder of Jesus resurrection...
Daily Manna for Wednesday, April 30
It is written: 'I believed; therefore I have spoken.'With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:13-18 NIV
*Goldfish...*
I feel like a goldfish now. LoL... eyes swollen! :p Today got group lunch and I'm dragging it alotz. I don't want to be surrounded by people... I don't like it. Let's see if I can find a way to escape. LoL. Tonite got dinner with Jinny... after tat staying over at Jimmy's place... Citadel nite! LoL. Tml will be staying at Ah Gong's place together with my cousins. Uncle Keat doesn't want me to stay home for now... hehe... so I'm moving around... merry goes round!
Tml is likely to be mugging day... then I can relax during the weekends... 2 more chapters of maths and 1 chapter of science! ok... I've concluded that the killer subject for Sec 1 Maths is ..... (drum rolls).... COORDINATE GEOMETRY... I hate those graphs... really hate it. Leaving it to the last chapter that I'm going to cover woah. Tsk tsk tsk. Gota go back to work for now... hope I survive through the day...
*Classified failure!*
Ok... I've been classified as a failure... and a disppointment by quite a few pple that matters to me. I need encouragement to help me get out of my failure... not reminders to bring me back there. I'm familiar with the way back there. Pls stop making me feel like I belong to the autistic world and have to stay there forever. I've cried so badly because you just left a scar in me. Thks to Cheryl who happened to be on msn ... and gave me few encouragement when i cried to her. :P thks gal... i appreciate you!
Monday, April 28, 2008
*So Boring + Monday Blues*
I'm bored at work. So bored. I'm just surfing the net again... and reading some blogs. LoL. Monday blues... hehe. Work is boring! Ok, stop complaining. Hehe. Actually not that there's nothing to do but I'm just feeling sian doing it. haha. Will continue in the afternoon... for now, slack abit. Mummy say I must study Chinese but I don't want ley. I hate Chinese so damn much. LoL. I'm still considering lah. I still prefer to learn computer related stuffs than all those boring stuffs in the text book. I'm glad I do get a choice of what I want to learn. Hehe. For this week, I hope to complete at least 3 chapters of maths, 1 chapter of science and some more HTML. Shouldn't be too hard if I stay consistant since thurs is PH. Quite satisfied with my progress for maths actually. hehe. Jimmy kor promised to play Citadel with me either of wed nite or thurs nite as my reward for studying! LOL! I can't wait to play Citadel! Missed it soooooo much. I love board games but no1 to play with me. haha. So end up play computer games or PSP. Today no PSP cos I forgot to charge it. Sian. :P
Sunday, April 27, 2008
*Negative Gradient....*
Just as I start to pick myself up... I find myself falling down again... down down down. Disappointments caused by people who are supposed to be closest to your heart... its not just the pain they cause, but the scar they leave behind without even realising it. Just read a post about 'How to handle Disappointments?' It makes me think more... about how I've handled all that has happened and how I can handle it in a better way. I realised that I'll have to just trust in God and allow Him to do whatever He wants with me... not how I want things to work out but what's His plan for me. Its tough... but I'll have to learn it.
*2FFs...*
2FFs refers to FEI FEI & Faith Factor... ermmm... how does tis 2 link together??? I've heard abt Fei Fei Wan Ton Mee since my first visit to Faith Factor... haha... but never had a chance to eat there... until TODAY! My first fei fei wan ton mee.... quite nice lah. I'm not a fan of wan tan noodle because of a silly food poisoning i had after eating a plate of wan ton noodle at chinatown. I was quite scared of it for a while but now I'm ok lah... so fei fei taste quite ok to me. I like fei fei cos nearer... and easy for me to go home... Dunman still feels very lost... I don't know how to get out of that place myself even though I've been there twice. haha. So yea FEI FEI is still e preferred!
Well... about todays FF - Christ resurrection is real... and judgement is real too. The good news is tat my saviour is ALIVE... hehe thankful tat I don't have to believe in someone who's already dead ah. So... how do I live my life? My prayer is that I will learn to trust in God totally and be a good testimony for God... I want to live my life such that people will know God. I don't wana be of no difference from the people who don't know God. I wan to be different (and I surely mean different in a good way ah!).
I suddenly start to wonder if I've missed my youth-hood. haha. I feel like I grew from a child to a young working adult... skipping my youth-hood totally... haha.... I mean I skipped the secondary school days of my life. I wish I didn't have to skip it... cos I think it'll be fun in some ways (of course the stress is not fun la). But since I was the one who decided to skip secondary school... I shall not live in regret now. But then again... my decision to self study does make me feel like a youth for once. Haha. Well... starting work at an earlier age has certainly tot me alot. Yes... earning your own money may seem more attractive than the miserable pocket money. But then again... think... cos when you start earning... you have to cover your expenses as well.... and the bills are ever increasing. haha.
Friday, April 25, 2008
*Moving on...*
Last night, I tried studying at the library and it was quite nice... quiet place... until a bunch of students came by and starting talking... it became quite noisy and I got alittle frustrated. Haha. Anyway, the library closes at 9pm and thus I left around 845pm... so it was quite early leyz. Thereafter I went to KFC for dinner and stayed on alittle to complete some more maths questions. Guess I'm alot more consistant now... haha... its good to get my 'engine' started lah. I shall study hard from now on... gota catch up on what I've missed out even though I know I'll never be able to catch back everything I've missed but I can still do my best to catch whatever I can... and to learn things that I probably couldn't have learnt if I had gone by the normal schooling system. HTML, simple SQL, photo / video editing... are things that I probably wana learn. I guess I've always felt that I'll love photography / video editing alotz but never really got down to trying it out. I shall give it a try! LOL. Someone showed me what I can do with Windows Movie Maker and I'm already quite amazed by it. I'm going home to play with it. Haha. I think I can use my HK photos (thou not much) to do something. Will see what comes out of it. haha. okok... time to log off cos Jimmy is leaving office liao and we're going off for dinner together... haha.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
*Fun studying...*
I'm trying out the HTML I've learn... quite happy with what I've learnt but frustrated that I couldn't get my blog into the frame. It's ok if I open the blog in a new page but when I try to link it to the frame... it comes out blank! Arrggh.
Putting SQL aside for time being as it seems too difficult for me to handle. I'm also finding it quite tiring to study in the night... very sleepy leyz. I guess I'll try out the library - see if I can study better there because its more quiet. Checked the place today and I guess I'll like it. LoL. I nid to finish my sec 1 maths in the shortest time possible... I wana move on. I'll try to do whatever I can on weekdays... weekends, must be very disciplined to cover much more. I don't think that Maths will give me too much problem... its science and the computer stuffs thats more challenging. But its good for me to try out lah. :P
Sunday, April 20, 2008
*FF Special....*
Planned to skip FF yesterday cos I feel that it'll be too scary for me (shd I say becos Dawn is not ard... LOL) ... but I still went ahead cos I don't think I wana miss the message. Got quite a shock when I reached cos I was late and when I opened the door, they were all sitting in 1 big circle... feels wierd to me. The message was good lah, about loving others because we are loved by God. I can't help but wonder about God's love. I know God loves me but I wonder why He chose to love me (or love us). haha. I don't think I've ever experience unconditional love... not until I finally believed in God's love for me. Well, after the message was prayer time... and I was wondering if I should disappear since I wldn't want to pray. Then came Annabel to my rescue. Oh... Desiree is amazed by my small feet! LOL. I didn't wana join in the games and wanted to leave but in the end I still stayed and watched them play! Its really funny. Hang around with Annabel after the games and she told me some funny stuffs that she did in school. Hahaha... thks gal for keeping me company! I hope she'll recover from flu really fast! Also watched the youths play 123 jump and had a good time laughing. hahaha. They asked me to play but I'd refuse. =P thks for not forcing me to play... and leaving me to just watch and laugh. FUN ah. haha.
Friday, April 18, 2008
*HTML...*
I'm learning HTML... haha... I don't know why I'm learning it thou... probably just for fun cos I think I like it. Not much work today so instead of slacking around, I just read up on HTML loh. Am going home soon to play with what I've read... and if things look good, then I'll probably change my webpage... haha... we'll see how it goes. Not sure if I'll be able to change my blog to something I'd really like! haha. I wonder what else is fun to learn. I'll search around and decide after I finish HTML. LoL.
Some updates here: I will not be leaving for China (at least not for now) as I don't feel any peace in the decision. I'll stay for good and hopefully make the best use of my time to learn some stuffs. Uncle keat is still talking to dad about where I'll be staying. It doesn't really matter to me althou I feel abit pai seh to trouble uncle keat if I were to stay with him. But whatever shall be shall be lah. I can't really bother... so long as I have a place to stay, I shall not complain. LoL.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
*Stinky stinky...*
Just came back from lunch... haha. I think I stink now... of tobacco smell. Sat at the smoking area cos lunch with some smokers. Hmmm... all the smoke was on my face! Stinky. Hahaha. I'd rather be a first hand smoker... than a second hand smoker. hahaha. Was joking with Jimmy that if he quit smoking... then he can treat me to Macdonalds everyday siah... with the amt of $ he spent on his cig. haha. anyway... Jimmy's still very generous lah... a great friend you are! He say I write alot about church stuff... and family but very little about him. (haha... jimmy... see i write abt u! dun poke me k!). Thks for your friendship and for making my work / workplace a much more survivable place! LoL.
Monday, April 14, 2008
*Self-study...*
Started self study since yesterday - trying to look for e-books on SQL as well as HTML. I think HTML would not be too hard to self-study. Haha. As for SQL, I think its quite chim! Studied the first chapter only and already some stuffs that I can't understand. Hmmm... I think I have a planned schedule of which day to focus on what... I need alot of self-discipline to study cos I don't think I want to study in a school... don't like the stress of studying but I think I don't mind self-study. LoL. Will probably self-study first then see how... at least I'll also be more comfy to study in a school if I do have abit of basic knowledge rather than totally lost in lala land. I think its fun to self-study. Maybe I just love to learn things that interest me... my attention span is usually quite short... so I need to have an interest in it before I can actually attempt to do it. :P I can sit and learn maths for few hours... no sweat... but 1 hour of science... I think will kill me. LoL. Anyway... I'll be having a weekly schedule for studying and think I need to set aside certain days to stay out to study... probably macs or if weekends then can also go to Airport. Love it. I 2008 shall see an increase in my discipline level. Hmmm... good idea! I must really do something and not waste my time away... I think I will regret it more with each passing year. Its too late for me to go back to do my secondary education... but its not too late for me to start picking up skills that I will need in my job next time. Study ahhhh...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
*2nd Tots...*
And now my tots have changed again. Haha. Am I always changing my mind? Well... now I feel that maybe I should stay in S'pore and study first... before I leave for China. Errr... like take up a course or something. Hehehe. I don't know. I don't think I'm having the peace to leave China right now even though I still long to be with my mum. But its just not a peaceful decision. So much so that I'm asking God to show me what He actually wants for me. Then out of the blue... Andrew gave me this idea to pick up some skill, upgrade myself. Yes, it sounds like a good idea just that I'm still uncertain if programming is what I really like... maybe I only like part of it. I guess I like having my hands on the computer but I'll probably hate the theory part of it. LoL. I don't think I want to do a whole programming course... or maybe cos I don't know whats included in it. But I'll love pick up some skills like HTML, SQL, Photoshop etc. Yes... I should think I'll like those stuffs at least to some extend. Heehee... I'm still wondering what I should do... or what course I should take... :P
Friday, April 11, 2008
*A sudden tot...*
I suddenly had this tot... and it seems scary... do i want to be with mummy more than I want to be in church... or is it the other way round. I can't answer the question. I want both. :p I know how it feels to be away from mummy and how much i miss her. But do I know how it feels to be away from church?
Sian... I'm feeling more and more giddy for unknown reason... Wonder if its due to my anamia or if its due to insufficient rest. I'm feeling so sleepy since I came back. Haven't really been enjoying my QT the last 2 days or so... maybe due to tiredness liao. I hope I can catch up more rest and be able to enjoy what I'm doing.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
*HK / China and my tots*
Here I am ... in Singapore. I'm glad I did not fall sick in the last 1 week. I don't want to come back... I just want to stay on with Mummy. LoL. But of course I can't lah, leaving all my things back in S'pore. So now... I'll have to make my final decision within the next few days. Do I really want to leave?
HK is fun. Disney is fun! Macau not really fun. China is ok lah. Bought some things here and there... The deserts in HK / China also very nice. I think if I move to China... I'll be so tempted to go shopping. LoL. But I feel that the people in China don't seem as friendly... infact some can get quite rude. Sigh. Food is China is cheaper than HK. But shopping wise, some are cheaper but some of more ex... especially when the HKD is now slightly higher than the RMB. I think I spent the most money in disney land... haha. Althou most people are saying that HK disneyland is disappointing but I still like it alot... well prob cause I've not seen any other disneyland so this one seemed so nice to me especially the fireworks. I'll want to go back again someday. LoL. So in a sense, it seems like if I do move to China, I'll have alot more fun than in this little island of Singapore. China... here I come! LoL. I wonder when will I leave? Will I change my mind? Will I regret? I don't know.
Mummy was busy help Uncle Qilong with his business. Sian loh... left me alone to go Disneyland when initially she say she'll be bringing me there. :( But she did bring me to shop at Temple Street, Ladies Street, Fa Yuen Street. Mummy also brought me Avenue of Star and that place is really cool. Just enjoyed sitting there and enjoying the sea breeze. Over in China however, Mummy didn't allow me to go out on my own as its not safe. So I didn't do as much in China as I did in HK where I walked quite abit to shop. LoL. Feets are tired.
I only saw Uncle Qilong at a few of our meal times. I refused to talk much with him. Haha. I don't know... maybe I just feel wierd. I think he's a nice guy lah but I guess its not easy for me to accept a stranger as a family member. Sometimes I'll just look at him and wonder why did mummy leave daddy for him??? I wonder why must he take mummy away to China... so it kinda makes me feel like I don't like him. Sobz. I tried not to feel that way... but its just tough. Uncle Qilong, sorry that I'm still quite cold towards you... give me more time k. I know its not your fault for my family situation.
I guess I know what I want. Yet the decision does not seem settled. I feel lost. I feel like I'm not making a right decision. I cried myself to bed last night because it feels so lost... so confused. I can't help but wonder why do I exist... wldnt it be better if I die today and I don't have to bother about all this things and I don't have to worry about my future. I don't like my life! Sobzzz.... I want my Jieeeeee.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
*Internet... here i come!*
Hahaha... I can write a super long post by now. I paid for 4 hrs of internet. LoL. I really miss my internet / msn alotz.... I'm doing good here although some of the time I'm alone... hehe. yea. Went disney land alone and I love it so much... except that my camera abit wierd... some photos didn't turn out good! :( I'll be leaving tml nite and I'm really really sad cos I don't want to go back. I want to stay with mummy... It hurts to be undecided... but I guess I've decided to come back to b with Mummy since daddy also don't want me anymore. I'll have to crack my brains to think of what I wana bring over to HK when I move for good. Can't bring too much... already spoke to Uncle Keat and he say I just bring the things I need, the rest of my things will be store in his place so if I go back to Sin then I can stay at his place with all my things. haha. Now I just need peace and courage for this decision. The planned date to move over will be in about 2 weeks time cos I can't stay long at daddy's place. Why does daddy want to chase me out of home? So sad!!!
Mummy say in Singapore can go church but in China cannot liao cos not save. That is what makes me quite sad. =( Anyway... the cool thing is I chose a few tee shirt with bible verse on it and mummy still bought for me although she say if in China then cannot wear. Haha. I'm quite surprise that she not stop me from going to church ley... but she is surprise that I will go cos she don't expect me to want to mix with people. Then she kept asking me ... u sure you like to go to church... you sure you not scared about it? The she'll say... I think u don't go lah... I don't think you will fit in there de. You are better when alone. But she never say cannot go ley!!! In fact I still manage to have my QT everyday here... so fun! Ok... gota go... will blog more when I'm back. byezzzz.
Monday, April 7, 2008
*Greetings before I leave Hong Kong for China...*
Hi friends... here I am again. This is the free internet kiosk at China Hong Kong City - the place to take a ferry to Macau / China. The kiosk is in the foodcourt and you can use it for 15 mins as long as you buy a drink or food. I'm physically good now except for a little pain on my feet from too much walking?! I hope today will not be a long day out for me as I have yet to have my QT... hehehe... too rush this morning cos I only slept at 4am and woke at 8am. :p Haven't updated my QT blog for a few days but I promise to update it once I'm back in Sin. I plan to go back either Wed or Thurs... and should be booking the tickets later today. :P I can't really say whether I'm excited to go back or I'm sad to leave China. LoL. Everythings quite ok here... though there are struggles in a new place with new people! I guess I'm not comfy here except with Mummy! LoL. Ok... I'll blog again if I get internet yea. Meanwhile... have a good week ahead!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
*Greetings from HK....*
hello.... greetings from Hong Kong. I just walked passed a free internet kiosk in MTR station so I'm stopping by to blog! I'm quite fine here though may fall sick anytime with a bad throat. It's quite fun to be here but I also miss home. LoL. It's making me feel very undecided about moving to China for good. I'm so used to Singapore. LoL. Been roaming around HK since yesterday till now and my feet's aching liao. Tml I'll head to China already. Blog more when I have the time. Gtg now... as people are waiting to use this free internet too! See ya....
Saturday, April 5, 2008
*Changi Airport...*
Hello... tis is my last post before I leave Singapore! Using the free internet at Airport transit area. LoL. Excited yet fearful. Heehee... the being alone feeling creeps in. :p Well.. the keyboard here is just wierd and I'm not use to it. Still got 30 mins before I can get into the boarding area. Praying for safety and a good time there. See ya all.
Friday, April 4, 2008
*I'm flying off....*
Bye friends... I'm flying off soon. I'll miss my blog alotz... and will surely blog overseas if I do get to use the internet otherwise... I'll blog once I'm back in Singapore. LoL. Well, I think my heart has already fly over liao. Seem to me like its already decided... that I wana move to China no matter what. I don't know... I really don't know. I don't want to think too much. I just want to be with my mummy. It hurts to be rejected!!!!! It has been 1 week of frustration... and the people around me are feeling my frustration too... I'm sorry (esp to Jimmy & Weili) for being extremely emo this week. I guess I don't know how to handle the situation I'm in and I don't really know what to say. I think I'm withdrawing quite abit from you guys this week because I need to be prepared to be alone in my own little world. Thanks for being such great friends to me. I'm still in the midst of making the final decision... I'll update you guys when I'm back yea! I'll miss you all.....
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
*Arrgghhhh....*
Its a fight with my emotions... and I'm missing my sis more and more. Its a fight to feel accepted... a fight to wonder about my existance... a fight to be strong and not give up... a fight to believe that things will get better and that I will be able to adapt wherever I am. Its a torture... God...take me out of it pls. =(
Monday, March 31, 2008
*I'm flying off....*
I'll be flying off this Sat! Byeeee... Flying to HK first and mummy promised to bring me to DISNEY LAND! Haha... although I heard HK Disney land not fun, but I'm still excited lah... I wana take photos! Will probably stay 1-2 days in HK as Mummy needs to settle some stuffs in HK too. After that, I will be moving to Zhuhai. Mum wants me to stay there for a couple of days to see if I like that place as it'll possibly become my future home. I don't know yet lah! May or may not visit Shen Zhen. Not too sure when I'll be back... shouldn't be too long bah :P I'm sure I'll miss my blog and facebook! LoL. I wonder if I'll be able to find internet access there. haha. I can't live without internet ley. :p
Saturday, March 29, 2008
*Another WOAH...*
"Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10
Thank God for his word because I cannot imagine what state I'll be in ... if not for the comfort, encouragement and promise from the bible. The last few months have been so tough for me and I feel so stretched. But I guess I am also happy in a sense... I can't really describe or explain the happy part... errrr... I don't know... maybe its an amazement of what God has done and what he says in the bible. And it has happned afew times ... when I'm so so so lost and then like there'll be a verse that just makes me WOAH! Then it'll settle some pain / struggle in me. It makes me see things alittle different I guess. Today's another of those day... where I went WOAH again. Was sms-ing with a friend today (a dear sis in christ! :P) and she was telling me to trust & find comfort in God. I couldn't help but wondered what it means to trust... or rather how to trust when everything seems so lost, so confused. Well... then I read my bible and I came across the verse above... WOAH... TRUST... yes, trusting in God's control and in His plan for my life... trusting that God will help me make wise decision... trusting that all that happen or will happen is in his hands.
I don't deny that I'm sad and badly hurt by all that has happened... but I'm thankful to the love that has been shown to me by some people around me - an expected love because I don't think I've earned it or deserve it in any way. Thanks to all who have loved me in one way or another! Thanks a lotz! Definately also thankful to God's love for me.
I'll be going to China next week (exact date to be confirmed). I'm excited actually cos I really MISS my mum so much. But there's also some reservation about whether my mum would actually have time for me ... to keep me company through out my trip there. haha... I wonder if its safe to travel out alone... I don't know... Uncle keat keeps saying that I cannot go out alone cos its dangerous. Just waiting for mummy to confirm when's a good day for me to fly over cos she'll have to fetch me from e airport! Hehe. Hope she confirms fast so Uncle Keat can book my tickets soon... I wana fly there ASAP and come back ASAP. LoL... I don't wana wait long long. haha... then again... waiting is also good... cos it gives me the time to PRAY and ASK GOD about it. Haha. Enough of this long blog... tsk tsk.
Monday, March 24, 2008
*Speechless....*
I'm lost for words. I cannot describe my feelings. I guess it hurts... but I'm not feeling it. It's numb! I know I'm useless in your eyes. I'm fine with that. I agree that my existance is just so EXTRA in this place. I'm sorry for all the trouble and inconvenient I've create for you. I knew you've never loved me and I've always wondered why. But it was until today that I've realised how ashamed you are of me... and how much of a disappointment I've been to you! You can blame me for everything that has gone wrong... but you cannot blame me for my existance! Stop repeating those words over and over again. Jus bear with me alittle bit more... I'll disappear soon... from this place that I don't belong. I believe that I still love you becos I know you still have a place in my heart.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
*Sa Wat Dee (Hello in Thai)*
Guess what I did today? Haha. I bought a cd to learn Thai. Yea... now I can count 1 to 20 in Thai. Haha. Its fun. Its going to take me awhile to learn and remember afew words but its ok. I think I'll enjoy it. Apart from that I didn't do much today. I think I'm gona have a sore throat soon... I can feel the slight pain liao. haha. First was a bad flu... then now its my throat. Arrgghhhh.... better go take some medicine and go rest liao. Tml do maths homework + learn few thai words.Its going to be fun. I think I'm getting a little abnormal this few weeks... keep thinking of playing and of fun. Why the sudden search for fun? It makes me wonder... have I been too bored with my life?
Friday, March 21, 2008
*My long day...*
I think I've never been so desperate for a weekend ... as I have been this week. And I'm just super glad its a long weekend! Something interesting... is the Easter convention that I went to. There's so many people.... and the choir and ochestra alone... is so many people! I've never seen that before. :P
Gosh... I spent the whole day out! Suppose to go home after service... but I didn't. I went out and I mean out the whole day! I came home at close to 11pm! LOL... what freedom I have ah! No one cares whether I'm home or not. haha. its fun lah.
Why is everyone talking about Nintendo Wii? Its really tempting me. haha. I wonder if Kor would consider letting me play if I were to ask him. Maybe I should try my luck... who know... he may just agree. Hahaha.
Had a sudden interest to learn Thai. Haha. I wonder if its tough. I think it'll be cool to learn other language... especially Thai & Bahasa Indonesia & maybe Tagalog. I shall check out some self-learn... just learn the basic... wld be cool enuff. I'd also love to learn sign language... haha... so fun!
You know what I wana do tml? Haha... whole day of playing! From computer game to PSP to WII? Hahaha. Play Play Play is my priority for tml. Haha... oh... before I play... I must finish up my maths homework woah! I'm so exited to continue with my maths tuition. I love maths... next time I wana do A Maths too! Think I'll love it! :)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
*I hate work...*
Work has nvr been as horrible as this week. I just hate going to work. haha. For once... it becomes a drag to step out of home ... into the work place! Why did work become so stressful??? Why am I expected to do things beyond my ability? Do you understand... what it means when I say 'I duno how to do'? Stop throwing so much things on me... I'm already in lost land!!! I am so tired. Maybe I'm trying to be strong... but it wears me out! It's even tougher to get me talking now... cos there's so many things I don't wana talk about. SILENCE IS GOLDEN!
*Stop poking me....*
Had a bad day yesterday... and thanks to the friends on msn who cheered me up! :p I wished I could just dig a hole and hide in it.
Why do you have to keep making me talk in a group?!You've already been told that I'm super quiet. I'm sorry for being extra there and not contributing to the conversation... I'll try to keep myself away. When adults talk... kids shouldn't even be there right?! okok.... I'll shoo shoo shoo.
Instead of helping me to talk ... you've just pushed me back into my own little world... making me feel rejected for being in a group. I just wished I wasn't there yesterday. Maybe I was in the wrong... for just being there. I'm sorry.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
*Priorities....*
A continuation from the post below... I'm starting to feel a difference between things that are temporary and things that last. I'm starting to feel like there's more to life than just the routine of life. A priority that is higher than any other thing. A priority to love God! Hahaha.
He answered: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Luke 10:27
Apart from understanding that our priority for God should be above all else... I guess I also begin to see character building as something important in my life. A character of strength, faith in God, patience, perserverance, love etc.... many many more. Having been through so much... having 'lost' so much in my life, its certainly not hard for me to understand how people / things come and go ... and we are not in control.
Ok... I think I'm amazed again... amazed by what I am learning in church ... about life... about purpose... about priorities etc... amazed becos of how much all these means to me at this point of my life!
Monday, March 10, 2008
*Deep thots...*
James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.Philippians 4:12-13
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.Job 1:21
and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."
Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
*I've accepted it.*
I think I'm bouncing back pretty well. Not that I'm not sad or down... just that I've accepted the fact. When I first heard the news... I tried not to belief that it will happen... the night before mum flew off... I wished I was living in my dream... I wish it wasn't true at all. I still could not accept it. I cried myself to bed as usual and made a decision to retreat back to my own little world... for god knows how long. I just wondered why my life couldn't be like any other family... with parents to care for me and nag at me... with me facing the pressure of studies (like all other youths!) I woke up the next morning and again I cried. I just felt helpless and hopeless. I wished I could ask God all the 'WHYS'. And I did 'try' to ask God by surfing on the internet... haha. And to my most most most amazement -
Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me. (Psalm 27:10)
I was shocked. I wondered if the verse means something else... or issit really literal?! I guess that was the point when reality sets in and I accepted everything that was happening. I felt different... thou I was sad and disappointed but I was greatly comforted. I made another decision... haha... the decision to get out of my own little world. Yes... I was at FF that afternoon and it was good. We watch a video and the part tat caught my attention was when the pastor shared about someone who tried to find the meaning in life through pleasure. And when he thot he had found it ... he learnt something about pleasure - the more you have it, the more you realise that it does not satisfy. This scene left a very deep tot in me... cos its so true... we chase after things and when we 'find' it... we realise it is not what will satisfy us. So what is the meaning in life... how will a person find satisfaction??? That will probably occupy my mind for the next few days... haha.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
*Back in my own world*
I'm still down... down down down. How to climb up? I cried myself to bed last nite... but it was good cos I fell asleep very early! I think its the first nite in the last 1 mth of so that I slept so early! I'm really tired. Trying so so so hard not to think about it any more. I feel like just giving up my life... I don't see the reason to live! Super SIAN. For now... I'm going back to my own little world... my own little room... I haven't talked to Jimmy for the whole day... except jus afew sms! Haha. I just want to be alone. Shhhiiiii.....
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
*I hate you!*
First call I got this morng... mummy told me that I can stay with her at Er Yi's place for the rest of this week... until SAT!!! Happy as I was! ONLY to be so DISAPPOINTED! It was uncle Keat that broke the news to me. MUMMY's leave this SAT for China... wldnt be back anytime soon! RUBBISH!!!! WHYYYYY???~ Uncle Keat says mummy wants to start a new life. So am I suppose to bear the pain and let you go? That was the question in my mind the whole day! Can I just grow up overnight?! FORGET about YOU and leave my own life?! I HATE YOU! Forget it... I don't want to stay with YOU only to face the pain at the end of the week! I should have known it from the start... that I've never meant anything to YOU. It was JIE who loved me and kept me in the family all these years! For ONCE... I'm glad I'm working... becos it means I can SUPPORT MYSELF! BEST WISHES to you!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
*Another boring day :P*
Another day of work is over... so what am I doing for the rest of the night ah? I don't want to go home! So boring. haha. I guess pple are wierd beings. Others are complaining that their parents don't give them the freedom they want (eg. freedom to hang out) but here I am with all the freedom yet I'm also complaining. Others are complaining about the stress of studies while here I am with a sense of regret that no1 stopped me from dropping out of school. Why is my parents so different from other parents? Do they really want the best for me? Maybe there's just alot of things I can't understand and never will understand.
Jimmy, Peiqin, Weikang, Kim Shan are all going to movie later. I'm not going with them. Though I'm bored but I still prefer to be alone... hang out alone... I like it! Don't feel like going airport but don't know where to go. Haha... maybe go parkway ah. I just charged my psp...so it'll be a nite of psp-ing... haha. tata.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
*Cry baby... stop crying!*
I'm still awake at tis hr! I've been asked to sleep earlier... haha. I tink I shd but then again... I can't. Cos everytime I close my eyes... I'll find myself in tears. So I end up playing or msning... until I'm tired and dose off, tat saves me some tears. :p
okok... I think I've been crying too much. Shd I be banned from crying... haha. Kor's gona call me a cry baby :p if he knows how much I've cried. I can't imagine ... I even cry in FF!!!! Ok... rubbish... JULIE stop it. Maybe I should stop going to FF... cos very pai seh... over little things... and it makes me so emotional. Why Why Why. Sorry dawn! Thks for being there for me! Thks Annabel too! You gals are so sweet!!!! :P
Friday, February 29, 2008
*Is there gona be another explosion?*
I don't realli like going home recently... I wish I could sleep and bath in the office. hahaha. But cannot lah. So now... almost everyday after work... I'll go airport to slack. Either play psp there or just watch aeroplane... my favourite hobby! If only Jie can go with me :P Been going home late cos I don't really want to see him. Still feel so sian to be at home... dunno... dun feel safe. Cos anytime may kena scold. Haiz. Isn't home suppose to be the place you look forward to each day??? mummy... I want you by my side to protect me. I don't want to be scared of my surrounding. Sobzzzzzzz...... I don't want this life. I am scared of everything... like any time gona see a bomb explode. arrrggghhhh.
Monday, February 25, 2008
*Argghhh... how can he do tis to me?!*
How can u do tis to me?! I'm not a little kid... why do u still cane a grown up?! I admit its my fault... I forgot about ur dinner... but I already said I'm sorry and I'll go buy it for u... why do u jus take the feather duster and cane me?! Is being forgetful something wrong... something tat deserves the cane??? I'll hate you for that! I don't wana see you... I don't wana talk to you! Becos I don't think you love me! I hate you! :..(
Saturday, February 23, 2008
*what i did... what i learn...*
I'm back to blog after 1 week. Haha. It seems like I must blog after every FF! Haha. Actually there is no FF today cos they all went to East Coast Park to play! I went but I didn't play cos I just don't like playing w others... I still prefer to watch pple play :P Ok... I think its fun to watch & laugh. Esp when 4 teams played captain ball together and there were a few balls flying around the field... quite wierd!
Wait... I also wana blog about what I learn today!!! Dawn went through some worksheets with me... about Assurance. Very cool...
1) Christ gave me eternal life.
2) Christ made me a child of God.
3) Christ came into my life and He will never leave me.
4) Christ forgave ALL my sins.
5) Christ gave me a new life.
Ok... after thinking for quite a while, I think the most meaningful to me is probably point 3! CHRIST CAME INTO MY LIFE AND HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME. I think it means alot to me because I've seen pple who love me the most leaving me! But God says he will never leave me! Of course the others also matters to me lah... like being accepted by God (as his child ley!)... being forgiven... woah! :D
Saturday, February 16, 2008
*Love your enemy?*
I'm actually wondering if I should blog about today... briefly, mum is in S'pore and she brought me out to buy a new pair of shoe and we had lunch together. After that I rushed home to unload my things and then out I went again... headed to buy a pressie for a friend who is going overseas to work. After that went to church... haha... hvnt gone for 2 mths liao. I only talked to 4 person today... Dawn, Annabel, Andrew, Yaoqi... the rest were all hi / bye (if i remember correctly). I'm still e super shy me... and I'm actually wondering if I could survive in church. haha. The topic for FF was kindness - loving your enemy. WOW. I wonder if it would ever happen... I mean its already hard to just love the people around you... what more love your enemy. Probably because I'm just super anti-social in a way... and thus the topic about loving others seems super far away. hahaha. Guess I should stop blogging here... don't wana think so much now. :P tata
Thursday, February 14, 2008
*Fun day...*
HAPPY VALENTINE's DAY!
Haha. Was suppose to go Jimmy's place to play but then he had to work late... and so I stay back in the company with him. Didn't wana go home cos damn boring at home! End up playing PSP and talking to him at the same time. Haha... we are all so trained at multi tasking. Haha. Ok lah... he wasn't really busy... but had to stay around to install some software. So we chatted while waiting for all the installation etc. haha. But then I got tired by 9+ and fell asleep at the sofa. Jimmy ordered Macs without me knowing... then woke me up when the delivery arrived. haha. so funny.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
*love me... love me not?*
I'm back in Sin... but i don't want to be back. This is 2 different world. Over in JB... I'm well taken care of - breakfast, lunch, dinner. Here... who cares. Plus its free to live there cos got home cook food. But back here, every meal also eat out... unless I eat maggie mee or bread! I'm just back for a few hours and I miss my mum liao and my grandma and my little cousin. How I wish I can go back every weekend... I don't mind the trouble! But I don't think daddy will allow and also its quite dangerous to travel into JB. I'm persuading my mum to move to Singapore and then I would be visiting her everyweek end! Sometimes I still wonder why would mummy leave me alone behind... doesn't she care enough for me to come back and take care of me? I asked her ... but her reply is 'You are old enough to take care of yourself!' I don't deny that she's not right... cos I really am old enough to take care of myself (and prob support myself financially too). But that doesn't mean I'm old enough and don't need to be loved by my parents liao rite?! Time to go Zzzz cos I don't wana get into the emo me. byeeeee
Friday, February 8, 2008
*CNY in JB....*
This is so fun! I'm on msn at JB. Haha. Firstly I'm glad to be able to come JB for CNY. Secondly... there's internet here which is so cool. Haha. I think time would fly by very soon and I'd probably don't feel like going back liao. Hehe. A few of my cousins are here too and they are also enjoying the internet connection and playing online game on my laptop! Hahaha. Cool cool... kk gota go ... time to play game! :)
Monday, February 4, 2008
*Child of GOD!*
This is a special post! Hahaha. My first post.... as a child of GOD. hahaha. Yes... its quite amazing. At some wierd hour of the day (1+am) when I was about to Zzzz and the person who shared with me was also about to doze off... then suddenly, she talked about God... and it went on for 1 hour! Cool... and I accepted Christ. All done on msn!!! I don't know why... but its a diff feeling from previously cos previously was more like I wanted knowledge... I wanted to know about God. But now diff... I want God in control... I want God to guide me. There's comfort to know that GOD is with me always! God is NOT far far away~~~! Well there'll be lots more stuff for me to learn... learn to follow God. Exciting ah. Can't blog much now or I'll be late for work liao. Tata...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
*Busiest time of my life...*
Ok... I'm here to update my blog! Hahaha... the lack of update shows how busy I have been! There's so much to do... time is not enough. Infact I just came home from work... at this hour!!! I miss my friends... cos I hardly have time for them. Work's taking away my LIFE and then there's all the spring cleaning for CNY etc. Hate it. haha. I feel like there's no LIFE... its just work, sleep, eat, clean up the house. So boring! No time to surf net / blog / msn etc. haiz. Let's see if I can go out and play abit this weekend. Cos all work and no play makes ME a dull gal! Hahaha. Haven't been as cheerful recently too cos too busy so I kinda get irritated much easier. Yea... will update again another time... cos I'm rushing against time now.
Friday, January 4, 2008
*bad start...*
what a start to the new year ... when my whole family is sick! Kor was the first to come down with vomitting / diarohea on new year eve night... he recovered only on 2 Jan 08... and the next day, dad came down with vomitting / diarohea. I also had bad flu and slight fever... with rashes on my arms! Arrgghh... It looks ugly!!! Hate it.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
*2008...*
Wah... time past so fast ah... i blog on Christmas day... and now New Year's Day is almost over liao (in few hrs). Anyway... 2007 so many things happen. Made some new friends and also became very good friend with Jimmy. I guess I've grown quite abit in the past 1 year, becoming so much more independant and taking care of myself. There's a lot I can complain about 2007 or even sob over. But nah... I shall not be emo about what's past and I should just be happy that I've survived all those tough times. I'm still wondering what I should be doing in 2008... what's already decided is that I'll continue with my maths tuition. Don't tink I'll be doing the other subjs since I fig that I'm not too interested and time doesn't quite permit (don't wana feel drained). I'm trying to plan my $ and hope I can buy afew items that I really like (maybe like boardgames) as a reward for my hardwork. =P
My new year wish:
1) See mummy more often. Mis her lotsa.
2) make better use of my time.
3) be more disciplined and organised.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
*It's Christmas*
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
wah... its the festive season... shopping and festing... and christmas service! haha... while here I am slacking as usual. This 2 weeks are not as tiring as I am working only a few days so get quite abit of rest and relax time. Wanted to go JB today... infact was getting ready for it liao... then my bro told me that we have a dinner gathering at relative place tonight... so can't go JB... haiz... :( Will have to wait till the weekends before I get to go! So fast... 2007 is ending soon! Its the time of the year to reflect back on all that has happened... haha... maybe I'll blog about it in a few days! =P Meanwhile... have a great week before 2007 ends!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
*Lessons learnt....*
Below are some 'lessons' I've learnt from my parents recently...
Lesson 1:
Scenario: Makes a promise... breaks the promise....
Conclusion: What you say doesn't matter... you can always change your mind!
Lesson 2:
In the case of teenage pregnancy... abort the child if the teenager can't take care of the child. Don't give birth to the child and then give it up for adoption.
Lesson 3:
It doesn't really matter whether what you do is legal or illegal... what matters more is your financial status.
What do you think of the lessons that my parents have taught me? =P
Monday, December 17, 2007
*High weekend*
Hohoho... I'm alittle high last weekend... cos I had quite some fun... played some boardgaming... and msn with few old friends... and 2 of them seem quite interested to play boardgames with me... so hehehe... there's gona be more boardgaming time in 2008! Coolz... I wana save up to buy 1-2 more games in the next few months. Now is asking around for recommended games ... :} oh yah... last weekend also went to FF where I haven't seen them for 1 mth liao. hahaha. Today is monday blues as usual... but I'm off tomorrow and then thurs is public holis ... so I only work today, wed and fri! Cool ah. This is the holidays season... but the only advantage I have is I got no homework to rush... Next week also very cool... cos I work 2.5 days only. I'm going to catch a movie tomorrow hopefully since I have a free ticket. :) No plans for thurs yet.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
*$*
Shortly after I started working, I've been contribute to family expenses monthly... but recently... I have to give double... to my mum and to my dad... WHY??? Why can't I split the amount half each... why do I have to give double? Why do I have to support the family at this age? Why can't I go back to school? There's so many WHY that I wana ask. Jimmy had to remind me that even if I will not get an answer, life still have to go on. Talking to him makes me feel less sian... and be more happy cos I still have food to eat. He makes me more thankful to what I have rather than compare with others. He makes me feel willing to give to my family and be more thrift on myself. THANKS JIM!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
*We still love you...*
It's been a tough week... struggling with being in a group over dinner. It was all ok ... I talked to some people ... until towards the end of the makan... when they started arrowing questions... and I just kept saying 'I don't know'... then the bad feeling came back... sms-ed one of my friend in the nite telling her how I feel... and her reply was 'We still love U!' How sweet rite?! Yet... it doesn't make me feel better... I just don't want to go through that feeling! I feel stupid... and I feel lousy. Hmmm... enuff of this... life goes on... and I have to just face it. Tell myself to be happy cos at least I know I have friends who still love me! Hahaha. =D
Saturday, December 1, 2007
*JIE....*
JIE... I just wana tell u how much I miss you again! I wish you were here to celebrate my birthday with me! I started yesterday telling myself not to get emotional... I planned to celebrate my birthday myself... buy myself a little cake... as you've always done for me... but yet ... I got soooo emotional... I decided that I should just let the day past by... and now that its over ... I can't help but let my tears just roll down... because I realli feel so alone! JIE!!!!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
*Updates*
Hmmm... 1 week has passed... I don't really know what to blog but just tot I should keep my blog updated! So here's a short update... I just came back from my Mum's place after staying over for 1 nite! It's nice to go shopping with her today! Hehehe.
As for the decision... I guess I'll be staying with my dad since my mum doesn't me to stay with her. Will only visit her once a month. The next visit will be christmas season! Am gona miss her lotssssss!
THANKS to all who have encouraged me on my tagboard! Its so nice to have such nice friends! =) I'll try not to be so scared of church... ;p I promise to come back to church someday... soon :P
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
*A Decision to be made*
Am feeling lost ... as in not too sure of my decision...
1) stay on with my dad
2) move to malaysia
3) move to my uncle's place
I suppose each decision has its + and -. Talked to Jimmy about it ... and he said I should choose whichever choice that I feel more secured with... and he added another choice... to stay at his place! That sounds a good choice... but I don't think I'll take that choice cos I don't wana cause any inconvenience to him / his family althou I don't mind poping over in the weekends to play boardgames! ;p
I'm quite tempted to move to Malaysia... but yet its not an easy decision cos its gona be a very big change of environment for me... with no FRIENDs around! I'm gona have a hard time adjusting.
I don't really mind staying with dad... but uncle keat is afraid that I ain't gona be taken care of or loved... cos home is such a cold place now. I kinda of agree with uncle keat... but still this is my HOME. There's no other place that I belong to.
I kinda envy Johnny and Joey for having such a wonderful father! Well... I guess I'm glad that I have Uncle Keat as my UNCLE too!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
*BORED....*
I wonder why my week has been so boring. I'm still trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel... super unmotivated to do things! RESTLESS is the word to use! Regardless of whether I'm working, playing or sleeping... I'm still restless!
I'm in pain now... neckache + backache! Its irritating! Feels so uncomfy now! Stayed home the whole day... nothing to do... so just resting on bed! I hope the pain will go away soon.
Sigh... life is boring! Life is so empty! I think I miss Jie again... and mum too! It sucks to feel alone!I still have a few more hours before the end of the day... arrrggg... what should I do... BORED TO DEATH liao!
My wishlist for now:
1) recover from neckache and backache
2) be less restless
3) see mummy
4) do something that can make me feel satisfied... BUT I have no idea what tat is...
I think its been such a long time that I feel so BORED / RESTLESS ... just feeling unsatisfied... which is really not like me! I wonder why...
Sunday, November 11, 2007
*Do I belong to God???*
I held back in telling God that I belong to him. Because I feel fearful of church... I feel like I can't overcome the fear in me. I don't even understand why do I always feel so fearful of people and situations. I wonder if I should still continue going to church. I can't answer my own questions... It's a struggle between faith and fear. I don't know my decision.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
*Insomnia*
This is bad... I'm not getting enuff sleep. Sat nite - slept at 4am! Sun nite - 3am! Mon nite - 11pm (knock out cos I too tired). Tue nite - 2+am! I feel so tired yet my mind stays active in tots. I wana sleep but I can't sleep. And I just have to look for things to keep myself occupied while I try to sleep... I can't just let my mind go back to the things that drains me out. I've been meddling with the html for my blog... trying to see how I can re-design this blog :p as well as checking out what 'Facebook' is all about... seems like everyone moved from friendster to facebook liao. Hahaha.
3 days may have passed but the fear remains. The fear of not being able to overcome my fears. ;p I feel like running back to my own little world. =)
Saturday, November 3, 2007
*Pai Seh...*
Just 2 days ago... I felt like I've grown alot this year ... it seems like I was wrong. Arggghhh... I'm feeling lousy... cos I cried at FF today! Yea... just because I'm SCARED.... of sharing. The moment we were told to pair up... I felt super uncomfy... and when I was suppose to share... I just end up crying... sigh... Pai seh! I'm sorry Angeline... I'm sorry Dawn... I wish it didn't happen. Why am I just so scared?! Useless leyz! I tot I've grown up... seems like I haven't! Sighz... Anyway... I bought myself a pack of cheese fries on my way home just to cheer myself up. Haha... yes I love cheese fries! For now, I don't wana tink about next week's FF... I don't know if I'll have the courage but hopefully like what Dawn said... 'Julie will be brave, for she has God's courage.'
Thursday, November 1, 2007
*2 mths to 2008*
What shall I blog about today... hehe. Wanted to blog about how I feel but am having 2nd tots.
Work's quite busy since I was away for a few days... I think I miss the friendship with Jimmy while I was away! ;p Yup... had quite abit of fun with him after I came back... thanks Jimmy for being my best friend! Thanks for all the care, concern, encouragement and advice. My only advice to you is ... 'Don't smoke so much la... no good for your health!' Hahaha... maybe I should repeat it to you everyday! Heeeee
Time really flies... 2 more months before the end of the year! I wonder how I will end this year. There's just some tots running through my mind... like what have I done this year ... what do I want to do before the end of the year? 1 thing for sure... I've grown ALOT this year! So proud of myself! Hahaha!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
*Back Home*
I'm back! I'm really glad to have spent some time with my mum! Thanks mum! Life goes back to normal... hehe... the daily routines. Sad that I didn't manage to convince mum to come home. But I respect her decision... just hope she'll be happy bah. Don't really like the feeling of being home... cos its sooooo quiet at home... I hardly talk to kor or daddy. Infact no one's talking at all. Hahaha... sian hor. I'm glad I have my computer world, let my fingers do the talking. Haha. I'm tired now... shd go to Zzz land soon loh.
Monday, October 29, 2007
*Greetings From Genting Highlands*
yup... I'm blogging from Genting highlands now (Coffee bean at First World hotel). They hv free internet access. Cool ah! Was suppose to be at JB visiting my mum but she decided to bring me here! So cooling... i like. Dun need aircon in e room. But I'm bored cos mum in Casino must of e time! Haiz. Will blog more when I'm back! Gtg checkout in 15mins time!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
*Pls stop complaining about ME k...*
ARRRGGGGHHHHH..... I just wana scream! Its another of those days where I went through the whole day without talking (except for Hi / Bye / Yes / No / Thanks)! Kena complain from 2 people ... both got upset as I refused to talk ... and they went to complain to Jimmy saying that I'm very 'TAO'. Haiz. I must admit that I've been getting more silent the past 1 week... but I'm really not 'TAO'.
Jimmy ... I'm sorry for making you hear all the complains etc. I'm really thankful to you for your support despite all that's happening around! I'll miss you for the next few days! Hahaha. I hope things will get better when I'm back... I promise I'll try to talk to the others... though I really don't feel comfy. I'll try... I will! I don't want you to be sandwictched between us. SORRY. ;P THANKS for being my CLOSEST FRIEND! Meanwhile... you take care! See ya next week! =)
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
*Looking forward to the weekends*
I'm happy... happy becos I've finally got to speak to my mum after 1 week of not knowing where she went. I'm looking forward to seeing her again this weekends! I wish I can persuade her to come back to Sin so that I can see her more often... I can't be travelling to Malaysia alone every week! Plus if I wana visit her in JB... then I wouldn't be able to go to FF. But watever it is... as long as she is happy... I guess I'll be happy too.
On a seperate note... I'm feeling alittle down for some reasons too... but I'm quite positive about it I guess. I know it has affected me and I've got my 'why why why' but I know I will still accept it and move onz. So yupz... I'm still a happy child!
A decision's been made... I'll be giving the camp a miss... cos no parental consent... may not be a decision tat i wished for... but I'm still glad tat its not a decision tat's hanging in the air liao. hehe. Case closed! :( But tat also means I've got more time to stay over at Jim's place... gaming... here I come!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
**
Just came back from youth group... quite abit to blog about. :P so quiet in person yet so much to blog when I'm home. Contradicting. Anyways... I love blogging...
Today's lesson is really good and special. Watch a movie clip about Jesus suffering and the cross. I don't know how to describe my feelings... probably still cannot understand why He has to suffer... I guess I know its LOVE... but still its hard to understand that extend of LOVE. Ok... I cried! Cos I think it hit me quite hard that Jesus is the hater of sin but He's the lover of sinner. Jesus hates my sin but He loves me... so often we put everything together... when I don't like what someone has done... I end up hating that person. It made me feel that even if I don't agree with what my parents say / do ... even when they say things that hurts me... I can hate the wrong they have done but I still love them as a person. It made me feel even if I hate certain feelings or decisions I make... that's not equal to hating myself as a person.
I guess I do believe that God is real ... but I'm still holding back cos I still can't overcome my own stuggle of fear... plus there's still parents approval. And talking about approval... I'm still wondering if I wana go Synod Youth Camp?! I actually tot that I've decided that I'm not going... but then today I realise that I do feel like going... argghhh... but I'm undecided for the same 2 reasons as why I'm still holding back from God. Will see how it goes this week...
Friday, October 19, 2007
*Citadel... here I come!*
Wah... this is fun... I'm waiting for Jimmy to finish some work then heading to his place to play Citadel. Maybe staying over too... cos I don't feel like going home. After few days of feeling down... its time to cheer up and have fun. Well... it was after some persuasion that I agreed to play with Jimmy... cos initially I feel like I just want to be alone... no mood to play... but the more he persuaded... the more I feel tempted to play Citadel! Keke... so its gona be fun... to be able to play my favourite game + 2 players! I hate playing in a big group cos I don't feel comfy in a group. I really appreciate Jimmy for coming into my world and playing with me ... rather than trying to pull me into his world (to play with his group of friends). I think I wana go airport to see aeroplanes this weekend... haven't done it for some time... I think I'll enjoy it alotz. Hehehe. Must plan my weekend schedule... pack it with activities... so I don't get bored and start to think about all the problems. I know I can't run away from problems but still I need to just do whatever it takes to help myself not to think too much. =) Will probably play lotsa comp games this weekend too... and perhaps write the FAQ for PSP Sims2. Hmmm... enuff to keep me busy!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
*Questions...*
I'm at work now... but my mind is far away. Uncle Keat talk to me this morning and I remained silent through out. He asked me a few questions and told me to email back to him cos he knows very well that it'll be tough to make me talk...
1) Do you blame your mum for her decision?
2) Are you on your mum's side or your dad's side (who do you think is in the wrong)?
3) Given a choice... would you want to follow your mum or your dad?
4) How do you feel about the whole thing?
5) Do you think its better for your parents to be seperate rather than for them to quarel and fight everyday?
Quite abit of thinking to do! The last question kinda hits me ... cos it makes me feel that... going their seperate ways might be a better thing for them both than to stay together and fight non-stop. I'm still very much affected but I've more or less come to terms with it knowing that I'll just have to accept
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
*Mummy dun wan me...*
I've cried the whole day! WHY WHY WHY... can any1 tell me why... why must this family become like tat... its a family of 5!!! then it became 4... after Jie left us... now its down to 3 ... cos mommy has decided to leave the family. ARRRRGGGHHHHH....
Mommy... u sure u dun wan me anymore???!!! Do you know how much it hurts me... when u said those words?! Have I done anything wrong to make u hate me? I just wana tell u tat no matter how much u say u hate me... I'll still love u just becos u r my mommy. Pls don't leave me behind...I beg u to come back home!
My eyes are swollen. I can only cry and type out all I feel... that's the only way I can let go of my feelings. Cos I know I wouldn't wana talk about it. I didn't go to work today... cos it was a whole nite of fighting... until mummy walked out of the house at 5+am this morning. I still wonder where she went... I'm still hoping that she will call me soon. I'm still hoping that dad n mum can get back together... thou I know it may not happen. Sobs Sobs.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
*Coming so close to meeting an accident...*
First... I must say that I haven't been home for the past 24hrs! Its fun... left home at 4pm yesterday to head to youth group... and YUP... I went to class (thou its still scary.... no lah... not tat any1 there is scary... its just me lah... not being comfy in a group). =P
I was at a cross road waiting for the green man when I witness an accident happen just beside me... it was so close tat I tot the car will fly and hit me! Glad that no one was cross the road when the accident happened (I was crossing that very road just 1 minute b4 the accident... or was it like 30 secs b4 the accident?!) I was totally shocked but certainly glad that I'm safe. Well... the accident probably reminded me of how my sis left me after being involved in an accident. Lotsa tots went through my mind.
I just enjoy being away from home! I wonder if I should do it more often. Haha. =P so tempting to do it again next weekend...
Saturday, October 13, 2007
*Its Saturday again...*
Wah... another week has past. Very boring work... and time seem to pass very slowly at work. But its also quite a fun week cos I'm learning HTML on my own... as in read alittle on the internet and then just anyhow edit what others have written. I can actually work on my blog for hours just to try out different things. I conclude that its too dangerous to work on my actual blog cos I'll be sad if I mess it up... so I started a trial blog just to let me play with HTML. Hahaha...that's about all for my week.
Another thing I'm excited about is I'll be staying over at my friend's place tonite. Will probably play board games which I miss alot!
Well... today's also got youth group... duno whether its happy or sad... hehe. Cos I didn't overcome my fear of class... and I'm thinking that I should skip class. :p Don't know... just don't feel good about it... feeling bad for keeping my silence... but I guess I can't push myself too much. Anyway I think I am still excitd about church (w/o class).
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
*STOP it...*
I feel like I want to blog... but I don't know what to write. I guess its those 'feeling lost' days. I'm scared... I'm scared... I'm scared... I want my JIE!!! I want my HUGGIE HUGGIE! I don't want dad and mum to be quarrelling and fighting!!! I'm a helpless child... sitting there watch all the fighting and beating. Last time I still got Jie to hug me whenever they fight but now I'm alone... ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH... STOP IT! why must there be so much violence in a family? Now I don't even dare to step out of my room :..( I don't feel secure... I don't feel protected... even thou this place is called home. I feel like running ... but where can I run to? I'm scared!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
*Zoombie...*
I really feel like a zoombie now. Was suppose to go to bed at 3am after I completed my new blogskin. But I end up spending the next 2 hrs thinking and crying over my fears. Sigh... y do I feel so useless and scared. Can I just not be scared about being in a group... can I just not be scared about sharing... can I just be bold to share watever is on my mind?! Why am I still keeping everything to myself and refusing to talk or share even when people try to ask me... Why isit that I can blog about how I feel but I can't talk about how I feel. I'm glad I have my blog!!! Hehehe. I'm thinking if I should skip the discussion class.... errrrr cos I don't like it. =P ok... I know its an example of minimal compliance vs maximum compliance... Do I just do the least to know God... or do I ask the question... 'what's e best thing for me to do?' Will reflect on it in the next week.
*New Blog Skin*
Its 3 am... and I've just completed my new blog skin... haha. Its my first time using a blogskin that's not one of those templates in blogspot. Haha... I didn't create the blogskin myself la... I took it from someone else who created it but had to edit some of the html to fit my blog. Had fun trying to figure out how to get it done... haha... but gosh... it took me 4 hrs just to figure it out and test it till I'm quite satisfied. Hehe, will be going to bed after this blog.
The other thing I wana blog about is that I AM SCARED of youth group... SCARED of sharing and praying. SCARED of people I don't know. I'm scared of class... especially when break into pairs to share and pray... AHHHHHHH.... SCARYYYYYY.... I don't know if I wana go through it again.
Friday, October 5, 2007
*Friendships...*
To the person who feel that I've hurt you and disappointed you in our friendship (just becos I wans't comfy to meet up for a meal) - I'm sorry about it and I hope you'll be able to forgive me and not hate me as you claim.
To the person who feel like I've been too sticky to you... I'm really sorry and I promise that I'll not stick to you any more. I'm sorry that I've been a burden to you.
Its probably a learning experience for me ... to be satisfied in my own little world. It may get alittle lonely but at least I don't hurt others or become a burden to them.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
*Amaze Amaze Amaze*
Hehe... wana blog abt the youth group today. I'm glad I went... I'm still shy... or should I say very shy. There are quite a few things that amazed me...
1) Learn how to take bus to church myself!
2) I'm alittle amazed that they sang the song 'Servant King' again... I still don't really understand the song but it just seem to mean alotz. It caught my attention when I first went to youth group 2 weeks ago... and now my 2nd time... same song! Does it mean something to me?
3) Seekers class... interesting question about 'why does God allow bad things to happen'... Part of the reason could be to built our faith... part of it could be due to our fallen world... or it could also be for a better purpose (which we may not see). when someone asked that question and pastor was asking for examples... i wondered abt the question I used to ask... why did God take my sister away from me? I suddenly felt as if it was for a better purpose. Even thou I may feel like if Jie is around... she could bring me to church and I do not have to be alone... but I also have to admit that if Jie is around... I probably wouldn't be interested to know about God. I can't really explain that feeling of believeing that God has a better purpose for wat has happened. But suddenly... I just felt like this issue was settled... I no longer have to feel like I still 'blame' God for allowing it to happen. Its amazing... and more amazing... when its Jie's 2nd anniversary.
4) Dawn walked me out after youth group... and she shared with me about adam and eve and sin and Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. I couldn't understand why Jesus had to die on the cross... as in why did Jesus choose to die for us? Doesn't it show the extend of his love for us?! I just felt amazed... I didn't really knoe how to respond to what Dawn shared... I guess I was still trying to digest my tots and accept the amazement... hehe.
I actually feel excited about all that I've learn about God... I think I'm looking forward to next Sat... althou I may still be scared.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
*Overcoming...*
Haven't blog for a few days as there was some problem with my blog... hehe. Glad to be back blogging... and most glad that I managed to solve my blog problem on time to add a new blog
'In LOVING MEMORY'
This new blog is dedicated to my jie on her 2nd anniversary. I'm still not sure if I'll blog anything in there... but I'll see how it goes. I might just blog as and when I feel like writing something to my Jie.
An update of the past 1 week - I tried to do quite abit of thinking. Especially in regards to my life and what I want to achieve. How can I learn not to be fearful of people? I know its something really tough for me to answer... am glad I was able to share alittle of my tots with someone who offered to help me. I also wondered if I would go to church again... or avoid it because of my fear. Was glad when I made the decision yesterday and thanks to Dawn who told me not to worry cos got her around. Hehe. Huiqi also sms me asking if I'll be going to youth group. :) I hope I wouldn't feel too lost or scared. I'll give it a shot... and if I really can't cope with being in a group... I'll probably take up pastor's proposal to a personal bible study with his wife. I guess I feel really thankful to have people around me to help me overcome my struggle. I just gota trust that there are people who do care for me and want to help me. Will I give my best to help myself overcome?! Or am I going to feel lousy and defeated?!
Monday, September 24, 2007
*Where's my mummy?*
I'm scared.... mum hasn't been home for a few days... I don't even know where she went. Will she still come back? Or is she leaving me??? Though I don't think I'm close to mum but I do feel it when she not around... I'm scared... mum come home quickly pls. Don't leave me alonez. :(
Friday, September 21, 2007
*Do u care for me...*
Was suppose to go for a gathering today... but since Jim wasn't going... I decided to give it a miss since I don't mix with the others. Quite sad... cos boss called and scolded me for not going for the gathering. He says that I'm not helping myself to overcome my weakness. He got angry when I insisted on not going. He always claims that he cares for me and wants to help me... but all I got from him is scolding after scolding... I don't need that! It only makes me feel even worst... makes me feel like a failure... if you really care for me... then be a friend that I can turn to without any fear of rejection... otherwise... then I'll really appreciate it if you do not try to step into my life.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
*Servant King*
I feel that this song means alot... I don't know... I heard it last Sat and it stayed in my mind... then I managed to find it in youtube... so I decided to post it here!!! HeHeHe...
Monday, September 17, 2007
*My first time...*
Woah... I feel so amazed by myself... cos I picked up the courage to go to church two days ago... on my own =). I really hope to go again next week... its actually not as scary as I tot... just that I feel alittle lost cos I'm still very shy... plus I don't really feel good having to tell others that I'm 14 but I'm working... sighz... I really feel bad... why....why....why.... why do I have to feel lousy about myself... I've never had to tell so many people in one day... that I'm 14 but I'm working liao. Sigh... I wish I didn't have to be put in such a situation... argghhhh...
Apart from that ... I tink I've learn alot ... Jesus is real because he didn't just claim to be who he is ... but its his actions that show us that he is real! He performed many miracles and the greatest of which is he rose from the dead. Hehehe...
Jie... are you proud of me? or are you sad just as I'm sad... I know you'd not have let me drop out of school if you are still with me... I'm sorry Jie.
Friday, September 14, 2007
*Found...*
Hmmm... I finally found someone that I could ask my questions... about whether god is real and is there only one god... hehe... been on my mind for quite a while... the answers I got were quite simple... I mean simple enough to understand... =) At least I'm beginning to understand that there are definately reason why Jie chose to be a christian... I wana know more...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
*why...why...why*
Like what I shared in my previous blog... I'm really getting more like Jie. Yet there are things in her life that I cannot understand... including why Jie goes to church even though dad & mum objects... why did Jie often get herself into trouble by her disobedience? Does she really enjoy church so much that she didn't mind the caning? I cannot understand... and probably never will since I'm not able to ask her. All I can attempt to do is to read up about christianity... which I'm currently surfing the net to read up more.
Monday, September 3, 2007
*My role model*
This blog has slept for the last 1.5 years... I'm back to wake it up and keep it alive. Many times people say that time will heal the hurts and pain... but why am I still feeling the hurt and pain so much... it felt like it just happened a short time ago! I still miss my Jie alot and my Jie is still so much on my heart... I'll often want to follow her footsteps... doing the things she did.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
*Something new...*
Hey... i tried something new today! Guess wat? Hehehe... was having break with Jim... and he was smoking... out of my curiosity... i asked him if I could try... and there I was having my first puff! Its cool... hehe... i tink i like it... but nah... just trying for the fun of it... I'm definately underage!
Hmmm...been working for 2 weeks... but I'm still super quiet... only talked to Uncle Keat and Jim. For the rest... its just a 'Hi' and 'Bye'... nothing else. That's the usually me... just keeping to myself alotz. I actually feel quite scared at work... sometimes I'll cry over it at nite. I cannot overcome the fear of people. :...(
Monday, February 20, 2006
*Working...*
My first day at "work" at uncle keat's company... I guess I'm really thankful to him for letting me 'help out' at his office. But its really scary to be working... I mean its wierd having a 13 yr old in an office rite... tat's not where a 13 yr old belongs. hehe. I do kinda regret not continuing with my studies... but since that's the choice I've made, I will do all I can to move on with my life. I may feel quite lost trying to help out Uncle Keat... and there's really alot to learn... I've told myself to be more positive about the learning experience ahead of me. It may not be an easy one... but I'll do my best! This is the only place that I can 'work' at... since I'm still way underage =)
Saturday, January 28, 2006
*Re-take?*
Woah... I've received a few sms from my ex-classmates asking me which school I'm in and how's life in sec sch. Hmmm... I've ignored afew of those sms and only replied 2 of them (cos I'm closer to them). Its actually not easy to tell them that I've stopped schooling. Their reactions were quite shocking... none of my friends actually expected me to stop school. Joey kept bugging me to retake my PSLE... which I did consider... but am still undecided. There is a fear of not doing well (as in meet my parent's expectations) and having to disappoint my parents again. We'll see how as time goes by ya.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
*Rejected...*
Woah haven't blog for 1 month... surprisingly not much to blog now either. I feel like my world has hit the lowest pit... I can hardly bring myself to face anyone... not my family, not my relatives, not my primary school friends. No one understands me and I feel so rejected. I hate myself. I'm still not used to being alone. Where's my Jie... Jie, I want you. Lotsa memories flood my mind... it brings alittle joy mixed with much sadness. How could Jie ever leave me alone in this world?! Why did Jie have to get involved in an accident... why did Jie choose to go to church... if only she had stayed home with me... then she wouldn't have left me!
Friday, December 2, 2005
*Reason for living*
What's the reason of living? I don't know the answer... Does that mean I shouldn't be living? I want to be where Jie is... I know she'll hug me and tell me everything is ok... don't worry... I'm here for you! =)
Monday, November 28, 2005
*The decision to drop out of school*
Can't bring myself to blog the last few days... the only thing I did was to sit on my bed, stare in the sky and cried non stop. I felt so undecided whether or not to continue schooling. The tot of having to step into a new environment and meet new people just scares me away. I wish Jie was by my side ... but all I had was the very hurting words of dad. After days of tears and struggle... I came to the final decision of dropping out of school and the decision was immediately supported by dad! So the next question is... then what should I do? I'm underage to work... I guess it hurts so much that I can't even bother to think. Give me time to heal the hurt and pick myself up again.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
*Letting my dad down*
Another day of tears and rejection... dad actually caned me the moment he found out my results. Honestly, I felt like it wasn't my fault for not doing well after all that has happened... I'm actually proud of myself that I still managed to qualify for Normal Tech... But as dad cane me, my world fell apart... I felt like I've really done so badly and brought disgrace to my parents. I felt like ending my life. Why do I have to go through all this? Am I really so useless to my parents? Can they just be alittle more understanding... how can anyone still concentrate on the exams after such a tragedy. It hurts!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
*PSLE results out tommorow!*
PSLE results will be released tml. I'm really scared... Can I not go back to school to pick up my results? Dad & Mum are still having high hopes that'i'll do well despite the pain that came just before my exams... I did kindaprepare dad for the worst... but he already warned me that 'I'll get itfrom him if I don't get into the express stream. Dad has always been strict with me... and Jie has always been the one who fought for me. Now that I'm on myown..... it just feels scary. I can only cross my finger and hope for thebest although I don't have confidence. Sigh....
Sunday, November 20, 2005
*Sian Sian Sian*
Yea... its the most unfruitful school holidays I ever had. Cos previously Jie will always bring me out during the holidays... yes... the places that I love - zoo, beach, changi airport (some pple tink I'm wierd to like being at the airport :p). Now its just staying home every single day... just sitting in my bedroom and day dreaming... thinking about Jie. Even computer games don't seem to excite me now. I wonder how long will it take me to get back to the usual me... hehe.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
*Holidays*
All my classmates are happily looking forward to their holidays... since its e kind of holidays where there are no projects or homework given at all. Its also the holidays where many of them are looking forward to catching up with each other before they go their seperate ways in sec sch.
I was given permission to skip quite afew days of school since the exams are over and I needed a good break to be alone. Not too sure if its a good choice to be able to stay home... since I feel really odd without Jie around. The whole bedroom feels so empty... I actually feel scared to sleep alone and I'd actually think that Jie would come back. Jie I miss you soooooooo much.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
*Exams over*
Exams are finally over... I don't think I've done well... but am I to beblamed? I know I cannot use what happened as an excuse but there's reallynot enough time for me to recover and pick myself up. Anyway... I'm glad that the exams are over. I need to think about what lies ahead for me...I'm all alone now... with no more advice from my dearest Jie. Will I growup alot more... or will I struggle alot more? It hurts.... every day...every night... I'll think about Jie and I'll just cry under the pillow. I'm really so scared to be alone.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
*Grief...*
Though the wake is over... but the grief and pain in our heart will never be over. The whole family and loved ones are still grieving the sudden lost of JIE. Everyone is just SHOCKED by the whole thing.
Jie has always been the best daughter to my parents, the best mei to kor and the best JIE to me! She's really someone who gains respect of the people around her because she always spares a thought for others! I was quite surprised by some of the things that was shared by her friends at the wake... many of them really cried over Jie's death. Her love for me was just so unconditional... even when she felt weak... she would just hang on... believing that I can make it!
My family and I are still wondering why 'god' would take her away from us?! I guess we're still kinda hurting and bitter towards god... esp mum who would keep asking ... why Jie refused to take their advice and stop going to church.... only to meet with an accident on her way to church! If there is really a god... why did god allow such a thing to happen??!! No one in the family has the answer... it HURTS!
Saturday, October 1, 2005
*why did Jie leave me behind....*
My eyes are so swollen and filled with tears!!! I'm in the midst of Jie's funeral wake. I wish I'm the one lying there in the coffin. I can't control my emotions... since the moment I heard of it... I've been crying and screaming for Jie not to leave me! I wonder if I should hate her for leaving me alone behind... the words of assurance that Jie has always given to me makes no sense now. I'm scared!!! Jie has been to one closest to me since young and the one who's always been there in my growing up years (esp when it hasn't been easy handling an autistic child... Jie was there without fail)!
If only Jie could hear me speak now... I'll tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me (definately more than anyone else on planet earth). I'll tell her that I really appreciate her for bringing me up and never giving up on me even when my parents gave up on me. I'll tell Jie that I'll do my best to show her that her efforts on me were not in vain... I'll prove to dad & mum that I'm not as useless as they think I am.
But its all too late now... Jie is gone and will never be with me again. Jie... I will always miss you and your hug and your words of encouragement.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
*JIE JIE... DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!*
I'm lost for words.... I'm waiting for the funeral wake...of MY DEAREST JIE!!! The thing that I feared the most has happened... WHY WHY WHY! JIEEEEE.... you can't just leave me alone! You promise to be there for me always!
I feel like my whole heart is shattered into pieces that can never be mended again! I want my Jie! I want my JIE!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
*Jie... wake up ... Jie...*
Jie why r you still not awake? Do you know that I'm missing you so much? Why wouldn't you wake up and talk to me? Don't you miss me? Don't you want to talk to me? Jie Jie wake up! I promise to be good and to study very hard for my exams...
Friday, September 23, 2005
*Weikang & Joey*
Met Weikang & Joey at the hospital today... they are Jie's church friend... Weikang only stayed for awhile before he had to leave. However Joey stayed behind to accompany me as she saw how emotional I was... she even sent me home in a cab at night as mum would be staying at the hospital. Thanks Joey for the encouragement and hugz. =)
Jie we're all waiting for you to wakey... I have so much to tell you. Jie... wake up pls! Jie!!!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
*Jie in ICU*
I'm super sad and scared now cos Jie is in ICU. She met with a car accident on her way to church. She's still in a coma. Jie!!!! Can u hear me? I wana tell you that you'll get well very soon cos you cannot leave me alone..
I'm really scared... I just lie on my bed hoping that Jie is beside me. Weikang called after he heard about the accident and I just cried on the phone for almost an hour! Thanks Weikang for your encouragement!
Saturday, September 10, 2005
*Feeling down...*
Hehehe... had a good talk with Jie this morning at the beach... she knew I was still affected by what happened in school yesterday ... I still feel lousy about myself not being able to contribute in a group and just getting scared so often. I still feel useless... yea... so Jie took me to the beach and talked to me about it... telling me that its not my fault so I have to stop blaming myself. Its really not easy to handle my fear of people and of being in a group...
Friday, September 9, 2005
*I cried...*
Sigh... I cried in class today... cos there was a group discussion during english lesson. But I was quite quiet in the group (the usual me) ... then at the end... Yiling arrowed me to do the presentation but I didn't want to... then they started saying that I didn't really contribute to the discussion so its only fair that I do the presentation. I got scared and I ended up crying... sigh... as usual, Ms Liu had to take me out of class and talk to me to stop me from crying... I did stop crying but I refused to return to class. I'm just scared of discussion and being in a group. I want to be alone. Good thing it was the last period of the day... so I get to go home after that class... I actually didn't wana tell Jie that I cried... but then she just seem to sense something was not right when I was quiet the whole nite with her. And she asked me if anything happened in school today... and my tears just rolled down. We didn't talk much ... jus a warm hug from Jie. She knows me too well to know what must have happened =p
Monday, September 5, 2005
*Prelims over...*
Was banned from blogging the last 2 weeks due to prelims. Hehehe. Now that prelims are over, I'm back to blogging again. I feel alittle tired of studying... but can't really take a break cos still got final exams in 1mths time! So gota continue to chiongz for 1 more month. My study schedule already planned out (by Jie!). Hehehe...
Oh yea... I was really surprised to hear that Keith and Wendy are attached. Hehehe... Quite alot of people are surprised too cos Wendy seems too active for Keith (the quiet gentle kinda guy!). There's quite a few couples in my class woah... hehe. I think more than the other classes. Some of us are suspecting that Wilson & Yanni are attached too though Yanni doesn't admit to it. :p A few of the guys have also asked me if I'm with Caleb... hehehe... i was actually quite shock cos althou I'm quite close to Caleb but I definately didn't expect the guys to pop that question =p Well... my reply will still be... Caleb and I are just the best of friends...
Saturday, August 20, 2005
*Changi Airport*
Yippie... was at changi airport for a few hours... just Jie and me... she bought me a packet of fries from Macs and we just sat at the T2 viewing mall. So fun... I just love it. Jie brought me here to study for my prelims. Haha... So I spent a few hours doing my maths assessment book and whenever I'm stuck... Jie will guide me along. =p Time seem to pass very quickly... and Jie had to bring me home cos she has a dinner appointment... I wish I could stay at the airport the whole nite. hehehe.
Just a little intro about myself. I come from a family of 5 (ie. my parents, Kor, Jie and me). Kor is 17 years older than me while Jie is 14 years older,
so mum would always say that I'm an accident! Mum wanted to give me away when I was 2+ & the doctors confirm that I was autistic. Jie persuaded mum to keep me. Yah...
so alot of credit goes to Jie for who I am today! She's never given up on me though I give her tons of troubles. The greatest problem with me is that I can never mix
with strangers... so yea... it took Jie along time to get me settled into K1... then again when I went into P1. Jie would also bring me out with her friends... even
thou she knew I could cry any moment, but she's never felt embarass of me. Thanks JIE! I love you! =) I'm most bless to have such a wonderful Jie. Although Jie
has left me more than 2 years ago, I still miss her alot.. But still life moves on and I've certainly gone through alot of tough times which have molded me alotz too.
I'm thankful for the people whom I've met along the way and who have helped me through each difficult time. Thanks!
